So it just may have been a big marriage fight… maybe even epic. The kind that happens in marriage and you know is going to go more than one round. It was going south fast and I knew that I was going to have to back down and give my man a break. But I was resisting because I really wanted to win.
As the argument started and I could feel the anger welling up in my soul I thought, this is not good timing. We are 2 days from my trip to Nashville and 2 weeks from the “just us” vacation we are so looking forward to. I knew I really should back down and forget it.
Yet good timing or not, it was an issue we needed to address. The conversation was getting heated and then bam it was a full-blown argument. You’d think after all these years of marriage I’d be better at this.
Would we be able to get it worked out? Would I have to disregard what I thought I needed just because of bad timing? Or would we be able to press in and do the hard work of marriage?
Ever been there?
If you’ve been around me for very long, you will quickly see that I am crazy in love with my man. Actually it’s really quite easy because he’s an amazing man. He loves God and his family sometimes beyond reason, a true example of how Christ treats the church. He’s a champion for the widows and orphans that cross his path. And he is the still be best looking guy I have ever seen!
Yet it happens.
I’d like to tell you that the longer you are married the easier it gets or that that epic fights only happen at the beginning of marriage. Or even that just because you married a great guy and you love each other that you won’t argue or disagree. Nope, lil mumma, I just can’t make those promises.
However, there is something that I can promise you. If you keep going and keep practicing communication, the disagreements will be easier to resolve. And while you may not always win, if you walk in love, love will always win.
You see it’s not about you getting your way or winning anyway. It’s all about love and persevering within the wonderful mystery of marriage.
God’s design of marriage is perfect. It is a mysterious reflection of Christ and the church. It has no flaws but, we, the people who engage in it, do have flaws. Somehow in His great wisdom God knew marriage would teach us miraculous things, things that just having a boyfriend/girlfriend/sex partner relationship could never teach us.
We can trust that marriage will help correct the flaws in us and create a oneness that this mystery of marriage promises.
The tug and pull conflicts within marriage are one of those mysteries. It isn’t just a negative part that needs to be plucked out, it in fact has purpose and when done correctly will produce the fruit of deeper intimacy.
Feel any better? Nah, I didn’t think so. None of us want to think tug and pull is awesome. We want to live in Hollywood’s happily forever after.
Here’s some truth.
What if Hollywood lied? What if romance novels deceived? What if the marriage wasn’t supposed to make us happy it was suppose to make us holy? Gary Thomas’ stellar book Sacred Marriage address just that question. I highly recommend it. Years ago when I encountered it, a new revelation of the purpose and approach to marriage changed the way I approached my own marriage.
It’s a beautiful dance, this thing called marriage. At it’s core it’s about the rhythm of serving each other and helping the other person become all God created them to be.
Sometimes being my husband’s helpmate means that I have to say things that help him and our marriage. Even if it means that there will be a tug and pull or even an epic fight.
The cool thing about this dance of marriage is that while I help my husband see things that need to be corrected, my husband lovingly helps me see my own flaws. Yep, that’s the tug and pull. But it’s within this dance that we serve one another and grow and change.
The big point is, God created you to bless and help your man. And he was created to bless and help you become all you were created to be in Christ.
The two that were joined together as one during that romantic marriage ceremony are still one, even when it gets heated.
- Don’t resist the tug and pull of conflict in your relationship.
- Allow the back and forth of the struggle as you work through an issue.
- When it gets heated and you want to battle remember your mate is truly on your side.
- Be quick to listen, slow to anger and resist becoming offended.
- Walk in love and choose a servant’s heart.
- And never forget to humble yourself, ask for forgiveness and give it, as well.
Bottom line: give your guy a break, take the best from the tug and pull and discard the rest.
Wondering how our recent tug and pull ended up?
Well, the dust settled and angry words were apologized for and quickly forgiven. We then spent some honest time with servant’s hearts and had a constructive covenant tug and pull. We both heard the other’s need and agreed to do better. Friend, it isn’t fun, that “tug and pull”. But don’t be afraid of it. Lean in and learn to do it with a servants heart and you will find that an epic marriage fight will produced an epic marriage.
Yep, love wins every time.
